About 15 minutes into last nights Sounders game my wife asked me what other MLS players must think of their home fans after playing at Quest Field. The atmosphere is really that amazing and there isn't another team in the MLS that even comes close to it. However, that doesn't mean going to the game is always going to be perfect. Here's the six people that want to ruin your Seattle Sounders FC experience.
1. Cookie Commander. He's like Cobra Commander but all he wants are the free cookies. You'll find this guy in the VIP section taking forever to pick out a damn cookie. Sure on his own he's harmless, but if he picks up one more cookie, looks at it and puts it back, you're going to get thrown out of the game after clocking him.
2. Marcello Balboa. If you ever watched Marcello Balboa broadcast a USMNT game a. I'm sorry and b. he had this great habit of over pronouncing every foreign players name. At sounders games you're sure to find someone doing their best Balboa impersonation. Don't you dare use an L to pronounce Ljungberg, that sh*t starts with a "Y".
3. Green Street Morons. Drunk retards who think they're way awesomer than they are. You see soccer is all about drinking and shouting things. Who cares if you're missing a play because you're shouting at the other team's bench? You were totally in the other teams head!
4. Ronaldo Jersey. Ronaldo Jersey could care less about the sounders. He just wants other soccer fans to appreciate his super sweet, brand new, long sleeve, 3rd alternate Real Madrid Jersey. He's wearing way to much Axe body spray, has some sort of euro-mullet hair cut and is on your weekend soccer team. He's the guy that refuses to play defense, never subs out and won't pass the ball. No one invited him, but he shows up anyway. Kinda like Pauly Shore in the 90s.
5. Blue Tooth Tony. When Blue Tooth Tony isn't on his blackberry he's wandering the stadium looking for garlic fries and wondering when the Hydro races start. He played soccer 20 years ago when he was in high-school and thought getting sounders season tickets would be awesome. He always shows up late, and leaves early to beat the traffic. BTT is most dangerous after you've left the stadium and are walking back to your car. The last thing you'll see are the Xenon headlights of his new M3 running you down in the crosswalk.
6. The Stand Up. If you're lucky enough to be sitting in a section that doesn't stay on their feet the entire game*, you're well aware of the Stand Up. This is the person that's up and down out of their seat the entire game, mostly just to wave at friends walking by. They're the reason you don't know why the rest of the stadium is booing at the ref.
* yes the fact that most of the crowd is standing on their feet the entire game is cool, but my wife's pregnant and I'm old, sometimes you just have to sit down.
2. Marcello Balboa. If you ever watched Marcello Balboa broadcast a USMNT game a. I'm sorry and b. he had this great habit of over pronouncing every foreign players name. At sounders games you're sure to find someone doing their best Balboa impersonation. Don't you dare use an L to pronounce Ljungberg, that sh*t starts with a "Y".
3. Green Street Morons. Drunk retards who think they're way awesomer than they are. You see soccer is all about drinking and shouting things. Who cares if you're missing a play because you're shouting at the other team's bench? You were totally in the other teams head!
4. Ronaldo Jersey. Ronaldo Jersey could care less about the sounders. He just wants other soccer fans to appreciate his super sweet, brand new, long sleeve, 3rd alternate Real Madrid Jersey. He's wearing way to much Axe body spray, has some sort of euro-mullet hair cut and is on your weekend soccer team. He's the guy that refuses to play defense, never subs out and won't pass the ball. No one invited him, but he shows up anyway. Kinda like Pauly Shore in the 90s.
5. Blue Tooth Tony. When Blue Tooth Tony isn't on his blackberry he's wandering the stadium looking for garlic fries and wondering when the Hydro races start. He played soccer 20 years ago when he was in high-school and thought getting sounders season tickets would be awesome. He always shows up late, and leaves early to beat the traffic. BTT is most dangerous after you've left the stadium and are walking back to your car. The last thing you'll see are the Xenon headlights of his new M3 running you down in the crosswalk.
6. The Stand Up. If you're lucky enough to be sitting in a section that doesn't stay on their feet the entire game*, you're well aware of the Stand Up. This is the person that's up and down out of their seat the entire game, mostly just to wave at friends walking by. They're the reason you don't know why the rest of the stadium is booing at the ref.
* yes the fact that most of the crowd is standing on their feet the entire game is cool, but my wife's pregnant and I'm old, sometimes you just have to sit down.
3 comments:
7. Cynical Sidekick
Whose side is this guy on? Nobodies. His mission is to single-handedly bring down the sport of soccer. If he's not complaining about how messed-up US or youth soccer is then he's tearing down world class athletes, "If Randy Moss was a winger he'd would smoke these sluggards and Ray Lewis as a stopper would crush these skinny floppers". We'd all be better off if he just stayed at home and wasted bandwidth commenting about Megan Fox's toe thumbs on other people's blogs.
8. Cookie Hoarder
Person who has access to all those free cookies and cupcakes but doesn't share with their poor hungry friends who are stuck in the cheap seats.
9. Little Boy Blue
Yes, that horn of yours does bring a bit of Latin feel to the stadium, but it loses a little of it's funtime flair when mainlined into my ear canal. You are really ruining my enjoyment of the free mini burritos I get from the VIP section.
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