Catch 22 Xbone

Machete Kills, el espanol trailero

With all the blockbuster sequels and superhero reboots coming out this summer I almost forgot about Machete Kills. This trailer is a bit more interested in showing us all the stars this time around than it is any sort of crazy zany gory action but I'm ok with that. These days too many trailers give away all the good stuff. I saw Star Trek Into Darkness last weekend and I wish the 79 trailer they released for it hadn't shown so many of the key scenes.

Damn Nature.. you scarry

Did you know that there's a shrimp that literally shoots a high powered stream of water to incapacitate its prey using just the snapping of it's claws. Crazy, right? Wait until you see the napalm beetle.

How does Superman Shave?

Gillette is doing this Man of Steel campaign where they're asking people how Superman shaves. Of course this is a completely moot point because in the comics its very clear that Supes shaves using a mirror and his own heat vision. Still, it's something interesting to think about and who doesn't love Bill Nye?

Yo holmes, smell ya later.

Want to watch Will Smith perform the theme to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air followed by Alphonso Ribeiro doing the Carlton Dance to Tom Jones but you don't have the 1.21 gigawatts to power your time traveling Delorean? The Graham Norton show has you covered.

Will Smiff and his son 'lil Smiff were there promoting the newest M Night Shamylammy flop After Earth when Will decided to pick up the mic and drop some funky fresh flow. Two weird coincidences here. I've been on a huge Tom Jones kick the last few days. Can't Turn Me Loose is such a rad song and the theme to Thunderball is highly underrated. Also I actually watched an episode of Fresh Prince just last week. It was one of the ones that had Tyra Banks in it, which was sooooo weird. Remember when Tyra Banks was crazy hot as opposed to just being crazy?

Anyhoo, Carlton Dance FTW.

You're my Density... Destiny Trailer

On of the more anticipated games coming this holiday season is Destiny, the new IP from Bungie (Marathon, Halo, various Halo sequels). They hired Jon Favreau (Iron Man, Zathura, Elf) to direct this trailer. It's cool, I guess. It's one of those trailers that doesn't show any sort of game footage and barely gives you an idea of what the game is about and I'm not really a big fan of those.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still excited about the game. It's just that at this point, so close to the release date, I'd like to see a bit more of the actual game.

Microsoft to Gamers: You don't know what you don't know yet so turn it down a notch.

I swear I'm not trying to turn this into a Xbone blog but other than me seeing Star Trek in Darkness this weekend not much else has been going on. The latest is that Microsoft, through both official and unofficial outlets are telling gamers they have it all wrong when it comes to the details of the Xbox One.

First off was a vague statement about the need for a constant internet connection. The official party line is ""It does not have to be always connected, but Xbox One does require a connection to the Internet." So no confusion there, right? Even at the kick-off event there are stories of Microsoft PR reps contradicting each other. The last I read is that Xbone will be able to go for extended periods of time unconnected, possibly with the help of some sort of pass or code. Lan partiers everywhere rejoice. Of course actual details will follow.

Gamestop patrons will also be happy to learn that Microsoft has plans to work with them to keep the used game market viable. You're also going to be able to trade your games in direct to Microsoft and your still going to be able to take your copy of Mortal Kombat 36 over to a friends house and play it there. So long as you're logged in on their xbone with your live account the game will play. Of course actual details will follow.

Privacy freaks also need to calm the f down. The new Kinnect will have a privacy mode that keeps Microsoft from recording you while you watch Baywatch reruns alone in the dark. Actual details will follow.

The point of all of this is that Microsoft has answers for everything and if you question them you're either a troublemaker or a hater, maybe a h8r. Of course these responses are not an admission that Microsoft bungled their kick-off event. Far from it.... Mocapped Dawgz!

Mega Sized Friday Links

Xbox One: All the Nerdy Details You Don't Know Yet. This is maybe one of the best pro Xbox One articles I've read. It's practically a love letter to the technical specs of the system. Don't get me wrong, it's an impressive piece of hardware. I'm just not convinced it's a piece of hardware people will actually buy. Then again I thought the Wii would be a giant failure and look how that turned out.

Seafaring Must-Reads for a Swashbuckling Summer. I've been debating whether or not I want to re-read all the Game of Thrones books maybe I'll check out something off this list instead. I've heard great things about Master and Commander.

The internet reacts hilariously to the Xbox One event. There's something about Big Redmond that really brings out the best in the internet.

Guy builds awesome basement Arcade with his father. Welp, now I know what I want to do when I grow up. This is easily the most impressive home arcade I've ever seen. If I owned this I would never leave the house. I mean I never leave the house now, but I'd be way better at Pacman.

Xboned! Indies can't self-publish on Xbox One. This is a non story as far as I'm concerned but I had already favorited it so I thought I'd include it on the links. The gist is that Microsoft kinda sucks when it comes to publishing independent games on Xbox live and they're going to continue that tradition. Supposedly that could give Sony and Nintendo a leg up in the console wars but I kind of doubt it.

How social media created and destroyed Tila Tequila. What ever happened to those awesome VH1 dating shows? Oh yeah, that one guy killed someone. This is really a fantastic piece about fame on the internet. Can you believe Myspace was just like 7 years ago? It seems like FOREVER.

Xbox One is a desperate prayer to stop time. Good article with a slightly flawed premise. People that have cut the cable cord are quick to point out that no one watches traditional TV anymore, which just isn't true. Yes, there are more people who consume their TV via internet appliances but that doesn't mean they're the majority. Far from it.

The truth is Microsoft has been trying to get a windows based internet appliance in every living room since the late 90s. They've already lost most of the mobile battle to Google and Apple, there's no way they're losing the living room without a fight. For years people have been talking about this mythical Apple TV (not the little black box) that is some how supposed to solve the TV "problem". Well, too slow Apple. Here comes Microsoft TV.

..it also plays Call of Duty.

When you play the Beer of Thrones you.. get drunk?

This Game of Thrones beer commercial parody is pretty good. It's not great but it's good. It's like the Doran Martell of Game of Thrones beer commercial parodies. He's no Tywin Lannister but he's a hell of a lot better than Renly or Stannis.

The post where I tell Microsoft how to do bizzness

Ok it's official. The Xbox One presser yesterday was a gigantic failure. It's not zune bad right now but it's not great. Go to any gaming or tech site today and you'll see lists of the 10 worst things to come out of the press conference or similar articles about how Microsoft dropped the ball. Head over the reddit and you'll find and endless supply of memes mocking the Xbox One. Tumblr is still all about cats but you get the idea.

The sad thing is that it didn't have to be this way. If Microsoft didn't have it's head so far up it's own butt they would have realized that a lot of Xbox 360 owners have major questions and concerns over the next generation of consoles. In typical Microsoft fashion they ignored most of them and steamrolled right over the rest. I feel like the following changes to their presentation would have had them on a biscuit train with gravy wheels.

Used games. People like the idea of used games more than they actually like using them. No one really wants to go to Gamestop, trust me. Just tell people they can play used games. The supreme court has been pretty clear regarding First-Sale Doctrine. It's a fight you don't need and with digital distribution becoming the norm it's soon to be a moot point. Sometimes you just have to give the employees extra tartar sauce so you can oppress them later.

Set your price. Everyone on the net killed Sony for the lack of details (and machine) at their PS4 press conference, congratulations for following in kind. I know that Sony and Microsoft are playing chicken when it comes to price right now, but just man up and take a stand. Guess what, if you want to lower the price 6 months from now because Sony forces your hand you can do that. People will kind of be excited about it. Also offer an exclusive bundle people want and price it aggressively. Xbox One + Extra Controller + COD Ghosts + 2 months of Xbox Live. Sell it for $75 above the stand alone unit price and watch them fly off the shelf.


Enough with the holodeck. Why on earth didn't you lead with the games you wonderful idiots? I get that the TV thing is where you want to be but this is the first chance to show off your hot new video game system and you start with "look you can change the channel with your voice" and "man switching inputs on the tv used to be so hard". It's insulting to the early adopters you're trying to win over and makes you look like clowns. Stuff like the DVR capability and the fantasy football stats while you're watching a game are cool features but you don't buy a car because it has seat warmers. No one is going to buy an Xbox One because they're to stupid to use their cable remote.


Did I mention the games? They didn't look good enough and they didn't look inventive enough. Lets go back to the car analogy. Coming out and saying your new console is going to have Madden and Call of Duty is like saying the new Ford Taurus is going to have 4 wheels, no shit Sherlock. Lead with new intellectual property (or at least something exclusive like Halo) and make sure it blows us out of the water. Don't even show gameplay footage, show what's possible and just dazzle the crap out of the audience. Show a few side by side shots with the launch titles from the 360. Demonstrate tangibly just us how far we've come in 7 years. While you're at it, signing up with EA was smart but why not bring out the Bungie guys or throw a million dollars at Valve and have them say something generic and nice. Drag out Tim Shafer or Peter Molyneux, anyone you can find that will remind people that video games used to be inventive and exciting. If you don't have cool new games to show off, emphasize how easy the new architecture will be to program for and how xbox live opens up a world of independent development. Just do something, anything to get gamers excited.


Again, I'm no marketing wizard but almost everything that upset and disappointed people yesterday could have been easily avoided. I know that you don't sell the steak you sell the sizzle but you can't sell an empty sizzling plate. It's just not going to happen, just ask Sega, or Atari or Nintendo or any number of companies that were so concerned about being inventive they forgot the reason people buy their products. It's clown shoes Microsoft, clown shoes.

Xbox One Reveal Highlights

Here's all the highlights from the Xbox One Reveal.

Ok, maybe it wasn't all the highlights. The new COD has a dog. So that's something, right?

Call of Duty: Ghosts

One of the big game reveals at the Xbox One event today was Call of Duty: Ghosts. It's not like it was a surprise there would be a new Call of Duty game. COD has pretty much turned into Madden. Until the series really tanks you know we're getting a new one every November. Still, a first look is a first look so it's a medium big deal.

It looks good, it just doesn't look THAT good. Certainly not $400-$500 for a new console plus another $60 for the game and $50 for a second controller and $10 a month for Xbox Live Gold good. This graphic I saw on reddit expresses the problem Microsoft and Sony are going to run into pretty well.

At a certain point I'm sure I'll jump all over one the new consoles. It's just going to take more than a slightly shinier Call of Duty like say... Red Dead Redemption 2: Redemption Harder.

One Xbox One to rule them all

Microsoft unveiled their "next generation console" the Xbox One earlier today. While the event itself might have been a failure due to the lack of Pitbull, nerds on the internet are pretty excited. Kotaku has a good breakdown of all the details but just in case you don't have the energy to click on a link here are the highlights.

The actual hardware specs are what you would expect: Blu Ray player, built in wi-fi, 8 gigs of Ram, 64-bit AMD processor, etc. The controller looks very similar, I guess it has added force feedback.

Games have to be installed on the hard drive before you play them. This will probably eliminate the rental and used game market, or at the very least severely hamstring it.

Smartglass everywhere!

It will act as a cable box with certain cable companies

More cloud storage!

The details are fuzzy but Microsoft and EA have some sort of partnership. It won't be exclusivity but you might see updates and DLC on the Xbox before you see them on the PS4.

There's an exclusive Halo TV show by Steven Spielberg to premiere on Xbox Live. And probably more original content that no one will care about?

Mandatory Kinnect integration everywhere. Turn on your TV with it, change TV channels, start up skype, wash you car.

Game makers will decide if their game will require a constant internet connection. So yes most games will require a constant internet connection.

13 exclusive titles for the launch year.

Price to be determined, launch date is "this Christmas season"

Essentially the details were still pretty sketchy. Everyone wants to know exactly how the system will handle used games and DRM but considering all the moving parts I doubt Microsoft has that all worked out yet. They didn't announce a lot of games, or show a lot of gameplay. The focus was on the user experience, which is something I'm guessing most hardcore gamers could give a flying monkey about.

If the games are good people will buy it. No one is going to buy one because turning on their TV is so confusing that they need to do it with voice commands. Those people aren't playing games that require a 400 dollar super machine, they're playing Farmville on Facebook where they belong.

Megan Fox is Raphael

It's a risky casting choice, not only because she's not a turtle but because weilding those sais is probably pretty tricky with her giant toe thumbs. Also did Megan Fox do something to her face? She looks all botoxy. This is Brian Austin Green's fault isn't it? Stupid David Silver always ruins everything.

More pics of Megan Fox and captain fantastic in the mo-cap turtle suit atTheSuperficial

Goal of the Year

After Chelsea's final match of the season the team took some time to honor retiring player Paulo Ferreira. While Ferreira was giving his speach, the son of backup goalie Ross Turnbull saw the empty net and he went for it.

New Xbox Revealed

Maybe it's just me but the Xbox press conference was a bit weird this morning. Oh well at least they brought the details. I'm already looking forward to double the DRM!

fire up your mechs, there's a New Pacific Rim trailer

It's a new Pacific Rim trailer! So guess what? This movie comes out the day I have a medical procedure scheduled. Medical procedure is what they call it when they're doing something medically enough that they put you under but they don't have to cut you open so you don't have to go to a traditional hospital. In my case they're going to put a camera down my throat to take pictures of my innards and measure the ph of my stomach acid. I assume they will also find out if I have a chocolatey center while they're in there.

I guess what I'm saying is that I probably won't be able to see this opening night, but I totes want to see it on Saturday or Sunday. Also it would be nice if someone else bought my ticket. It's only fair you know 'cause of the MAJOR MEDICAL PROCEDURE I WILL HAVE JUST ENDURED!

Thanks in advance.

Customize these Links

Custom D-Tech Me Stormtroopers Action Figures. These are crazy expensive, and you have to jump through a bunch of hoops to get one but man they are pretty pretty cool. There's a joke here about playing with yourself but I'm too busy to properly word it. Just pretend it was really clever.

10 Wrestling Matches that Became Real Fights. A couple of these aren't real "fights" just examples of wrestlers getting sick of another wrestlers BS and throwing a couple real punches, still fun to watch. I love behind the scenes stories in wrestling. There's Something about the real conflict behind the fake conflict that I find super interesting.

The Truth About Reddit. I don't spend a lot of time on Reddit, I'm not a redditor or anything but I do check out the front page a couple times a day. Over the last few years It's sort of turned into an accessible 4chan (for better and worse). They're always ahead of the trends and memes but if you really hang around for a while you will loose hours of your life.

Marvel Studios Has Blade, Iron Fist And Ms. Marvel Movies Somewhere In The Pipeline. First off another Blade movie? Why? Secondly, wouldn't that be the ultimate kick to the crotch if Marvel produces a Ms. Marvel movie before DC can get a Wonder Woman movie off the ground. Third, and Iron Fist movie should be a license to print money. Just take Brubaker/Fraction/Aja's comic and transcribe it word for word into a movie script. It's just a great comic and would work perfectly on the big screen. It would also give the Marvel movie universe a film with a different feel. Not to say that Iron Fist isn't a perfectly cromulant superhero but the mysticism, kung-fu action and darker tone would really stand apart from the rest of the capes and tights fare.

Agents of SHIELD, the full length trailer

Here's the extendo trailer for ABC/Marvel/Disney's Agents of SHIELD. It looks good, but my computer here has no sound so for all I know everyone sounds like the sweedish chef.

BORK BORK BORK BORK!

Stay Classy Lingerie Legends Football League

I was going to write a review of Iron Man 3 this morning but real life interrupted and instead you're getting a Legends Football player celebrating a tackle by twerking on her opponents head. I can't be the only one hoping that Richard Sherman does this to Michael Crabtree this year, can I?

Mc Frontalot: I'll form the Head

Mc Frontalot has a new video and lucky me it's for my favorite song of his latest album, I'll Form the Head. I don't care who you are, if you can't relate to the desire to lead a group of combiner mechas into battle against some sort of giant monster you're dead on the inside.

Agents of SHIELD, the tv show, the trailer

Here's the trailer for the new Shield TV show coming this fall to ABC. If you're any kind of real nerd you've already seen this like 1,000 times by now.

I'm excited for the show, but it's hard for me to get TOO excited. The concept of SHIELD in the comics was very 1970s (ugh, yes I know they first showed up in the 60s) and by the time I started reading comics I never really cared for stories involving them. Even now Nick Fury doesn't really exist as a person as much as he does a MacGuffin to send heroes on missions where they invariably get screwed over only to learn a lesson about not trusting the government.

Also I remember Heroes... Hard to get excited about any sort of comic book superhero show after one great and 3 unbearable seasons of Heroes.

Of course I'm not made of stone. The return of Clark Greg as agent Phil Coulson is reason enough for anyone to get excited. Plus even with the 30 new JJ Abrams shows on the fall schedule, I think there's room for a new Joss Whedon TV show. Word on the street is he's kinda popular right now. Hopefully SHIELD will be a huge success and I can look forward to soon picking up the 9 monthly comic book spin offs (all written by one guy 'cause that's how Marvel rolls).

The World's End

Squeee!

It's Friday!

I was going to do a page of links this afternoon but I decided to post this instead. I stand by my decision.

Gravity: The Movie Trailer, not the physics thing

I've been told this trailer for Alfonso Cuarón’s Gravity is highly anticipated. I liked Children of Men well enough but I don't know, it didn't leave me with a "oh man I have to see more movies by this guy" vibe. Whatever though, Gravity stars George Clooney, Sandra Bullock and what looks like the international space station. The trailer is pretty effective, on paper George Clooney and Sandra Bullock floating around in space sounds a little too Saturday afternoon on ABC Family for my likes but I'll be damned if it doesn't look like an good old fashioned nail biter. Like Cliffhanger in Space...

Now there's a million dollar idea for you. Someone get Stallone on the phone, stat!

Between Two Ferns: Spring Break Anthem

As far as I know I've never posted any Between Two Ferns with Zack Falifianakis which is a shame, they're almost always great. This one stars James Franco and the Lonely Island guys perform a song, it's might be a bit late for spring break but it's never too late for a good party anthem.

Dare I say, song of the summer?

Maker vs Marker

The Marker is totally cheating. Only punks use Akuma.

William T Riker Sits LIKE A BOSS

I have watched hundred, neigh thousands of hours of Star Trek: The Next Generation and for whatever reason never noticed the way Commander Riker sits. How tall is he? Is he seven feet tall or was all the furniture used in the show made for children? Amazing stuff...

ohi there Megan Fox April O'Neil

Here's your first pictures of Megan Fox as April O'Neil in Michael Bay's opus Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I assume they're going to make her a redhead in post production. The nerd-bros over at gammasquad have more pictures from the set, including a little insight to who or why Will Arnett will be playing.

It's important to note here that while Michael Bay's producing/ruining this movie, he's not actually directing it. That honor goes to the guy that directed Battle Los Angeles and Wrath of the Titans. Soooo there's really no hope of this being any good.


Megan fox on a trampoline in yoga pants? ok maybe there's a chance...


Clearly Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be the greatest movie of all kind. Suck it Highlander.

Here's like 15 seconds of Ender's Game

First look at Ender's Game!!!! The timer on this youtube clip says 57 seconds but I'm pretty sure it's 30 seconds of Harrison Ford sleep introducing the footage and 17 seconds of VISIT US ON FACEBOOK, GOOGLE PLUS IS REALLY A THING, SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

2 Quick thoughts and keep in mind that when talking about Ender's Game I know that Orson Scott Card is a pretty repugnant person. I choose to judge the work separate from the person but I'm totally cool if you cant'/don't.
A) I don't mind that all the kids are older, I think it still works.
B) I did not read Mazer Rackham as old as Ben Kingsley. And what's with the face tatoos? I don't remember those either. Still, woohoo Ender's Game!

And here's the actual trailer. Don't even know why I bothered to write up this post on the teaser.

You can't spell Star Wars without EA.... wait..

A month or two ago I blogged that Disney (the new owners of everything Star Wars) was shutting down LucasArts. Not only did this leave everyone who played Grim Fandango or X-Wing vs Tie Fighter a little sad and wistful but it left everyone wondering what the future held.

Today we learned a bit about that future of Star Wars on your Play-Cubes and X-Stations. Disney has announced that EA would published and develop new Star Wars titles until.. oh I don't know... until Disney buys EA I guess. This is sort of a double edged sword. EA is pretty hated in the hardcore gaming circles I pretend to run in but as much as you might hate some of their business practices, it's hard to argue that they don't make some kick ass games. I'm not going to lie, the second I heard EA I got a nerd boner over the idea of a Star Wars first person shooter made by the same developers that made Battlefield.

If nothing else this will give net nerds two big companies to be angry at if the next Star Wars game is underwhelming.

Oh yeah and just for fun, here's a few minutes of Battlefront 3, a game you'll never get to play now that they've ripped the copper wire out of the old LucasArts offices.

I'm Down with White House Down

I know I've already seen a trailer or a commercial for Channing Tatum oscar bait vehicle White House Down but I don't remember it being this awesome. Seriously, I want to see this more than the theoretical movie baby of Pacific Rim and Iron Man 3.

The Weeks Links

C2E2 Cosplay in Pictures. Thanks GeeksAreSexy.net I was worried this was going to be a Cosplay post in haiku, pictures is definitely the way to go.

Good News, Everyone! It's The 10 Best Inventions From Futurama. I've got to admit, I'm a bit indifferent when it comes to the cancellation of Futurama. The sad truth is that the newer episodes aren't as good as the older stuff, and I'd kinda rather see it go out while their ahead as opposed to limp along forever like The Simpsons or the Family Guy. I don't know, maybe it's time for Matt Groening and David Cohen to do something new. That would be cool, right?

Wall Street Is Gobbling Up Two-Thirds of Your 401(k). Wow this was depressing. Turns out the same principles that make your 401k a great investment also make for a great opportunity for Wall Street to make a boatload off your investments. I'm going to start putting all my money into gold. Diablo 3 Gold.

The 16 Most Insane Stadium Foods Money Can Buy. I'm not a big live sports guy. I like watching sports the way God intended it. Sitting on my couch in my underwear eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery. However, if either Qwest or Safeco was serving awesome food like these stadiums I might be swayed. Seriously, I don't want to spoil it for you but there's a hot dog wrapped in a funnel cake. A FUNNEL CAKE!

IllumiRoom is not a holodeck

Check it yo. A few months ago this patent for some kind of "holodeck" technology hit the web and everyone was like "omg the next xbox will have a holodeck!" and by everyone I mean like one website. I never passed it along because reporting on patents is stupid.

Where was I? Oh yeah here's a demo for IllumiRoom which looks kinda cool but totally excessive. It's a projector that you aim at your TV and it turns the entire wall behind it into extra screen. It would be hella useful with first person shooters, especially ones like Battlefield where having a +1 on initiative pays off big time. Still, no way I'm dropping actual money on this until it can recreate, and trap me in, the Hotel Royale.

The Wolverine: No talky more slashy

Here's one minute of new footage of The Wolverine courtesy of CinemaCon (which I refuse to believe is a real thing). I like it, I like it a lot. Of course I said that exact same thing about X-Men Origins: Wolverine and that movie was TERRIBLE. Hopefully the creative team behind this doesn't try and out think themselves and they keep it nice and simple. The best Wolverine stories are the ones that concentrate on mans inner struggle between animal and humanity, not spy capers, memory loss and Deadpool without a mouth.

Iron Man 2: The Honest Trailer

Those rascals at ScreenJunkies are at it again with another one of their Honest Trailers. This time it's Iron Man 2 which is such a coincidence because Iron Man 3 hits theaters this weekend (typed in Joel McHale's voice).

Iron Man 2 is one of those movies I enjoyed in the theater but it's not really that good. I wouldn't say it was bad, it just was. It's certainly no where near as good as the first Iron Man movie was, which is odd when you consider they started shooting the first Iron Man movie without a script. I think it sort of crumbled under the editorial mandates to set up Captain America, Thor and the Avengers. Oddly enough it's joined a very exclusive club of Marvel Comic book movies I don't own on DVD. Spider-Man 3, Blade 3 and Iron Man 2.

Yes I have both Fantastic Four movies and Daredevil on DVD, don't judge. judger.

Who wants a fortune cookie?

When you really think about it, Mario is kind of a douche.