.. The Blurst of Times

Having a fussy 6 month old has provided me with ample opportunities to watch absolute garbage TV shows at 2 in the morning. With "..the Blurst of Times" I'll tell you all about whatever horrible abortion of a TV show I watched the night before.

Dracula 3000 stars Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak and Coolio. Do I really need to continue? Ok, your loss. The movie starts out like EVERY space horror film ever. There's a derelect ship floating through space and it's up to Casper Van Dien's crew to salvage the ship and find out what happened. The twist here is that Dracula happened.

My favorite part of this assgrab of a film (other than Casper Van Dien's 5 o'clock shadow) is that Coolio's character is named 187, I would imagine after the police code for homicide. Of course since it's a thousand years into the future it makes as much sense as if my nickname was out of the Corpus Hermetica (it's a greek literature joke, I can be very high brow). Did I mention Coolio loves weed in this movie? Did I need to?

On a scale of 1 to when I fell asleep this movie scores a hefty 45 minutes. Once Coolio turned into some sort of jugallo vampire I knew it was time to call it a night.

Piranha 3D > Avatar

If years of late night cable TV taught me anything it's that Piranha 1 and 2 are awesome movies. How Tricia O'Neil wasn't nominated for an Oscar I'll never know. Anyhoo.. 19 years later Hollywood has finally got their act together and completed the Piranha Trilogy. Pranha 3D comes out this summer, and if it doesn't do better* at the box office than Iron Man 2 I'll eat my hat.


*by "better than" I mean have shorter lines and more tickets readily available

This is worse than Jar Jar

There you are. A screen grab from the recently released Japanese G.I Joe trailer. Obviously the guy on the right is Destro... cause remember all the times he was sporting a tie and wasn't wearing his metal mask. And if you've listened to me rant about this before you'll know the guy on the left is Cobra Commander/The Doctor. Apparently the producers of the movie thought Cobra Commander in the comics looked like to much of a bad ass, and if they didn't wuss him up enough there was no way they'd get that brain dead/Transformers 2 watching demographic that all of Hollywood is courting these days.

There's no emoticon that properly expresses how much I already hate this movie, so instead here's a quick gallery of Awesome Cobra Commander pictures.

I'd like to say that this is the last time I'm going to complain about the upcoming ass-fest that is G.I. Joe; The Rise of Cobra, but let's be honest, it's not.