To boldly fail where no man...

Ok so Shater or no Shatner the new Star Trek movie looks super bad ass. However there seems to be a problem brewing in the federation. This morning a couple websites leaked the first pictures of Diora Baird as nameless Orion Slave girl... disappointing would be an understatement.

For context let's review the most famous of all Orion Slave girls, Yvonne Craig (of batgirl fame). Her appearance on the original Star Trek TV show proved that much like adding bacon to food, adding green paint and a bikini makes every woman a bit better.

Now here's how JJ Abrams rolls. He's taken the lovely Ms. Baird and made her looks like a dumpy cosplayer with what may or may not be herpes on her upper lip.

For shame JJ Abrams...

Winning is fun and Losing is for Losers

Michael Kinahan is an intense coach, here are a couple excerpts from an e-mail he sent out to the parents of the club team he used to manage. (yes it's long, but well worth it)

"I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the "W" in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it's good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can't handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines."

"We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don't need to talk to me."

"America's youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as "bad". I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps."

"Who's with me? Go Green Death!"

It should be noted that "Green Death" is a 6-7 year old girls club team.

Massachusetts Girls Soccer Coach Resigns Over Hilarious, Possibly Insane Email (via deadspin)

Hot Links for the weekend

It's not often, but occasionally other blogs are funnier, more entertaining and informative than this one. So here's some links, brought to you by Tony Little and a bear that I'm assuming he killed with his bare hands.

Ukrainian cover band is awesome (warming glow)

Dancing with the Stars almost turns into BTK part two (reality blurred)

More Marvel Comics movies in the works (comic by comic)

Batman Arkham Asylum Preview (topless robot)

The 10 Greatest Old School WWF Promos Of All Time (man o' fest)

Which Hybrid should you buy (jalopnik.com)

Have a great weekend sucka foos.

That's not how you do it...

I'm a big fan of soccer teams trying something really tricky and failing horribly. Here's Portugal's under 21 team blowing an easy PK to Cape Verde, followed by a couple of examples of how to do it right. The last one is super sick.

Step aside Sounders, the Mist is coming

I think that's a variation of a horse collar tackle

Mark you calenders for September 11th 2009, 'cause that's when real football comes to the Pacific Northwest. After a handful of seasons existing only for the Lingerie Bowl on Super Bowl Sunday, the Lingerie Football League has expanded to 10 teams and will have a regular schedule of games beginning in 2009. Among the franchises are the San Diego Seduction, Dallas Desire, Chicago Bliss and of course your Seattle Mist!

I guess the official league announcements and "tryouts" happened months ago. Somehow this one slipped under my radar. That is until the Kent Reporter put the story on their front page last week. Apparently the Seattle Mist (much like the Seattle Thunderbirds) will actually play their home games in my new neighborhood, Kent. The new Showare center to be exact, although if they need a practice field I'm sure my wife won't mind If I paint some yard markers in the back yard.

also be sure to check out the fine selection of Seattle Mist Merchandise at the team shop. You know, cause you have to support the team.

Dave is wrong, the GI Joe movie will suck terribly

Yeah that's right... there's your first look at Cobra Commander (sure it's toy form, but it totally counts) in the new GI Joe: Rise of Cobra movie. Now I'll give the producers a bit more slack than your average nerd will. The fact that Cobra Commander is played by Joseph Gordon Levitt (of 3rd rock from the sun and 10 things I hate about you fame) is in my opinion kinda cool. He was pretty awesome in Brick, and Commander is supposed to be a bit of a weasel anyway.

But come on... you have to draw the line somewhere. His costume looks like ass. Don't take my word for it, here's what a few commenter at toplessrobot.com have to say.

"AND HIS HEAD IS A GIANT CRUNCHBERRY."

"Was this the result of another brilliant idea by the Deadpool redesign guy? Good job, douche."
"Fuck! How hard is it to just cut a couple of eyeholes in a piece of blue cloth."

"Oh sweet a jason X Sequel!"

"*shoots self*"

There you go, nice job capturing your target audience Paramount. Just throw in a couple more Wayans brothers in it and I'm sure it'll all even out.

an awesome glimps of what could have been.

Governor opens mouth, inserts foot

Someone somewhere in the hierarchy of the GOP thinks that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal (who totally reminds me of kenneth the page from 30 rock) is their answer to Obama. About a month ago Bobby Jindal gave the GOP response to President Obama's address to Congress. In it he came up with this winner, "Instead of monitoring volcanoes, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington, D.C.,"

You tell 'em Bobby! Who needs to monitor Volcanoes? I mean when was the last time a Volcano ever killed someone. I'm not even sure we have any volcanoes in the US.

Alaska doesn't count as a real state, it's more like eastern russia

Don't get me started on all the money we waste on natural disaster monitoring. Volcanoes, earthquakes, hurricanes we're the United States of America not India or Thailand. If anyone is an expert on how planning and preparing for natural disasters is a complete waste of resources it's gotta be the Governor of Louisiana.

what hurricane?

Van Damme would have been awesome in this

Hey kids, remember Trishelle from the Real World Las Vegas? What, you don't? Well, she was the one that even after a pregnancy scare, refused to use protection while having sex with one of her roommates. Sure that doesn't sound like much these days but back in 2002 it was the most incredible Real World season ever. Well she's back, and staring in what looks like a horrible movie called Ninja Cheerleaders. check out the trailer and try to explain to me why cheerleader = stripper? I guess when you're also a ninja you need to make sure you keep your resume diverse.

Come and get it Zombie-Robots!

I'm working on a new Zombie/Robot plan that incorporates the awesomeness that is the Hitachi DH50MRY. Look at this thing! It's part Jackhammer part drill. Let me repeat that. Part JACKHAMMER part DRILL, 'cause a jackhammer alone is lame. Lets add a diamond tip to one and then we can really f some shit up.

Good Guys 3, Bad Guys 0

I wish my camera phone was more camera and less phone

You ever get the feeling that you're watching history being made? Most of my life all the "historic" moments I've witnessed have been on TV. Things like the Challenger shuttle explosion, the OJ verdict, 911, Obama's acceptance speech, Hogan vs Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III. Last nights Sounders FC game was the first time I've ever felt like I actively participated in something you could consider historic. Sure it's just soccer, and yeah it's the MLS so it's not even great soccer. But 11 minutes in, when Freddy Montero scored the first goal in Seattle Sounders FC history it definitely felt special.

I love you, Dr. Zaius!

click to enlarge

I'm not sure if it's awesome or terrifying that Google maps can now see into our future. lets go with awesomfying...

Corey Haim Freak-out thursday!

Remember back when Corey Haim was like the biggest star ever? No, well trust me it happened. I think it was July 1987. Anyway, here he is throwing away any chance at a career revival on the set of the Lost Boys 2. This little video is just full of surprises. Corey Haim has money for an assistant? There was a Lost Boys 2? Corey Haim is hooked on prescription drugs? Ok, maybe that last one isn't a big surprise.

Lets hope he can get his act together long enough for someone to green light a sequel to License to Drive.

Porn Stars lament lost "man hours"

I've been waiting forever to run this picture...

I saw this gem over at scrapetv.com this morning.

Los Angeles, CA – Jenna Jameson, Briana Banks, Stormy Daniels, Jenna Haze, Taylor Rain; All names synonymous with the American adult entertainment industry; all names that are now taking that same industry to task to bring porn into the modern age of workers’ rights with a new organization...
“We are not looking to create unions. That word is very scary for the industry for a variety of reasons and we do not want use that word,” said Desmond Wright, President of the organization. “What we are seeking to is give basic rights to all industry workers and allow them compensation for basic issues, namely work related injuries.”
The organization is not seeking to find compensation for major STD’s or psychological issues, but is instead seeking treatment for smaller day to day injuries that can occur on the set.
“People don’t think of the adult industry as having the same issues as mainstream jobs, but our workers encounter small threats every day,” continued Wright. “Groin pulls, dry skin, injuries from falls, all these things are major issues for the industry. Many people don’t realize that wrist related injuries are responsible for more lost man hours in the industry than any other injuries combined.

Hear that people? Porn stars aren't as worried about STD's or psychological issues as they are dry skin and injuries from falls. As Sean Hannity would say, this truly is the greatest country in the history of the world.

Flow charts that will melt your face

I've often said that there's nothing funnier than a pun, but a close second has to be statistical analyasis related humor. What can I say? I love bar graphs and flow charts.

Oh crap, here come the terminators

No that's not some poor Japanese girl jammed into a "sexy robocop" Halloween costume. That's an actual robot, the HRP-4C to be specific. She (because it was made in japan) is 5ft tall, weighs 95pounds and is powered by 42 individual motors. Gizmodo has all the details if your really interested.

More to the point, this thing scares the hell out of me. I think I might need to ditch my zombie plan and start coming up with a robot plan. First step, find Will Smith...

Hot Links for the weekend

I'm lazy, so here's some good stuff other people wrote this week

What Comic Book Store Owners Really Think of Heroes

10 worst matches in WrestleMania history

Quite Possibly the Worst Soccer Flop Ever, Along With The Top 10 Other Funny Dives

Top 11: Pickup ballers we love to hate

Recipe for a Team Disaster

The 5 Best (and 5 Worst) Futurama Episodes

Worst vending machine ever

Who are the marketing geniuses that came up with this monstrosity? When I'm feeling thirstyI can tell you this has got to be the last place in the world I want to stick my hand to retrieve my soda. What does this thing vend anyway? I bet it's tentacle grape.

I was wrong, the future really is Now!

Belt swords! F-Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Why stop at belt swords, what about shoe cannons? hat crossbows? glove axes? pants napalm?

check out the beltsword website for more info on the "worlds first weapon system that can totally hide and conceal a massive sword"

The Future is now!

Unless I missed a memo, we're living in the 21st century. The 21st century! That's like the future man. Now I can accept the complete lack of hover bikes, hover boards or other hover related technology. But how come we're not all dressing like this brave young lady? You know what I wore to work today? Jeans and a polo shirt... like a sucker.

I want to believe

What you're looking at is a carving found at Ta Prohm Temple, located in what is now the Cambodian jungle. The temple was built in 1186 and that is very clearly a stegosaurus. Did cambodians live with the dinosaurs? Is this some big internet hoax? probably... but lets face it, this is way cooler than any of those blurry pictures of Nessy or Champ I used to swear were real back when I was 10.

On a related note my parents swear they've seen bigfoot. Seriously...

Ball Boy demands to now be called Ball Man

This is a pretty nice assist from an Israeli division 2 ball boy. Almost as nice as the assist I had in my game last night.

Watchmen will dazzle and amaze... more or less

If you didn't catch Watchmen (it's not The Watchmen, stupid newscasters) this weekend do your self a favor. Ignore the reviews and the complaints from the nerd hordes and just go see it. It's not Citizen Kane or anything but it's well worth your 10 bucks. Here's the movies opening credits, which are awesome.

....well that was fun for like five minutes, thank you Warner Brothers and your team of lawyers. I found a link to it, but I can't embed it. Still, you should go check it out

Whatever man... have a great weekend!

If you can tell me what's going on with this pic, you're smarter than I am. enjoy the weekend!

seriously.. is that a horse in a bunker?

New Star Trek trailer will rock your FACE!

Ok, so maybe face rocking is a bit much, still the trailer looks good. In this blogger's not so humble opinion, one of the things that made the Wrath of Kahn such a great movie was Capt Kirk kicking ass and taking names. Sure you still got all the great Star Trek themes about life, destiny and friendship, but at the core the movie was dirty harry in space. Kahn messed with the wrong guy's family and he received the beat down he deserved.

While I don't think Chris Pine could ever fill Shatner's shoes, this movie looks like it's gonna capture those same pissed off, kirk against the world, emotions that I loved from the Wrath of Kahn. I'm definitely looking forward to this one.

At least it still has Liev Schreiber in it, right?

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

The internets are abuzz with the latest and supposedly the last Wolverine trailer. I gotta admit, I was really eager to see this movie. Even after I found out the producers stuck a black eyed pea in it and decided to shoehorn Gambit and Emma Frost into the plot for no good reason. Now I'm not so sure, yeah the action looks cool, but if you have the time head on over to topless robot. They have pretty good evidence that some marketing genius decided to turn this super bad ass we've come to know and love as Deadpool...

Into this extra from a Marilyn Manson video..

At this point why not just make a new character? Call him Suck-job and save yourself some fanboy venom.

Animals are always funny

Hi there...

There is no way that Panda should be sitting in an exit row. I bet he can't even read the instructions on the safety card!

I don't think I'll ever understand Australian rules football. Is that a llama?

Soccer Jerseys > Lingerie

Research of over 1900 men has revealed that men would much rather see their partner or wife in their favourite football teams colours than a skimpy lingerie set in bed... MyCelebrityFashion.co.uk quizzed 1,904 blokes on their favourite female bed-time fashion turn on and instead of sexy lingerie or fantasy role play costumes leading the way, the most popular turn-on for men was their wife or girlfriend wearing their favourite teams top.
34% of men asked said they would prefer their wife or girlfriend to wear their favourite team’s football or rugby top in bed, 23% said that they would be more interested in “sexy lingerie”, 21% replied with simply “nothing”, 16% said they would love to see a “fantasy role play outfit” and 6% said “ordinary nightwear”.
~ via footballshirtculture.com (my new favorite website)

Sure 34% of men say they want their ladies to wear their favorite teams jersey. How about we ask them again after their women ruin their favorite jersey so they can make it sluty. I mean just look at these ladies, no respect for club or country!

Bonus for the ladies... here's Carlos Bocanegra with no sleeves

Hello, yes I'd like to report a McNugget Emergency

I saw this on nextround.net today

MARCH 3–Angered that her local McDonald’s was out of Chicken McNuggets, a Florida woman called 911 three times to report the fast food “emergency.” Latreasa Goodman, 27, last Saturday called police to complain that a cashier–citing a McDonald’s all sales are final policy–would not give her a refund. When cops responded to the restaurant, Goodman told them, “This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.” Goodman noted, “I called 911 because I couldn’t get a refund, and I wanted my McNuggets,” according to the below Fort Pierce Police Department report. That logic, however, did not keep cops from citing Goodman for misusing the 911 system. Even after being issued a misdemeanor citation, Goodman contended, “this is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency…”

Sounds stupid right? Wrong! I swear to all that is holy if I went to a McDonalds, ordered my number 10 meal with a coke and BBQ sauce, paid for said meal and then was told they were out of mcnuggets, I would burn that McDonalds to the ground. one thing you don't mess with is a man's mcnuggets.

Ford's nor really interested in making money

"The Ford Performance Vehicles F6 E Concept is more than just a concept, it's planned for production with a sale price of $78,190 AUD or about $50,550 in US play money. What you'll get for your Aussie dollar is a walloping 415 HP, 416 lb-ft, turbocharged, 4.0 liter inline six cylinder running the rear wheels through a Sequential Sports Shift six speed automatic transmission. Binders gets upgraded with Brembos fitted hiding beneath 19 inch wheels and styling gets a few other subtle upgrades. Just for the record, it gets about 20 MPG."

~ via jalopnik

It even looks better than the Taurus SHO. Why is it that Australia gets all the coolest stuff? Paul Hogan, Koala Bears, Mad Max, Miranda Kerr... For a nation full of criminals they sure are well off.

They have Kangaroos in trees now?

The Seattle Times has a rather boring article about the woodland park zoo's efforts to help protect some Tree Kangaroos in New Guinea. I'm sure the zoo is doing great work and all that, but The important thing here is look at how freaking cute these things are! I have tree's in my backyard, how do I get me some tree kangaroos?

Stop teasing me Ford!

Remember how awesome RoboCop was? You know what car he drove? A ford Taurus SHO.

"The new SHO boasts the highest level of tune so far announced for the Ecoboost V6 — 365 HP and 350 lb-ft of torque, going above and beyond the previously rated 355 HP in the 2010 Ford Flex and 2010 Lincoln MKS. The more important part of those power figures is where it comes in at, with peak torque starting from 1500 RPM and topping out at 3500 RPM. Shoot, that's almost in diesel territory. Ford isn't being bashful about this new SHO either, boldly claiming the Taurus SHO will outperform the BMW 550i while returning 25 MPG on the highway and coming in at a reasonable $37,995 price. Those are certainly fightin' words."

~ via jalopnik

I swear Ford, if this car ends up in australia exclusively I will dig up Henry Fords bones and punch him in the face.