Carlton is all about Breakin' and Poppin'

Alfonso Ribeiro is currently killing it on Dancing with the Stars but thanks to the magic of youtube he's also back in the 1980s selling you instructional dance kits. Man if only I had bought one back in 1985, I would have been the coolest white kid on the dock. 19.99 seems really reasonable for everything you get, but I don't know about inflation. 20 dollars in 1985 is probably the equivalent of 2,000 dollars now. Thanks Obama.

ABC is full of hypocrites

Today Hugh Hefner announced via twitter (really?) that Dancing with the Stars pro Karina Smirnoff is going to be on the cover of Playboy in May (and presumably nude inside). This of course is creating a HUGE controversy cause nudity is scary and DWTS is like the number one TV show on TV (that isn't hosted by Ryan Seacrest).

"If Karina posed naked, she can kiss her dancing days goodbye,” a ‘DWTS’ insider told me immediately after hearing of Hef’s announcement on Twitter. “I hope for Karina’s sake that this isn’t true.”

The immediate response of ABC, I’m told, is that having one of their dancers pose naked during an ongoing season could “soil” the wholesome show’s image.

~PopEater‘s Rob Shuter

Wholesome image! You have got to be shitting me. Currently one of the contestants on Dancing with the Stars is Kendra Wilkinson. She's ONLY famous for sleeping with Hugh Hefner and two other blond chicks. Oh yeah and she has a sex tape she released herself. In fact she's the 3rd contestant they've had with a sex tape. The very first winner of DWTS Kelly Monaco was Miss April 1997 for pete's sake. Just off the top of my head I can name 6 contestants that have been in Playboy and that includes the co-host Brooke Burke, which means either I know way too much about Dancing with the Stars or I know way too much about Playboy.

And lets not forget about the fellas. ABC has also had a guy on the show that was caught sleeping with underage prostitutes (Lawrence Taylor), a convicted money launderer (Tom Delay) and a guy that reportedly stabbed someone in the neck with a pair of scissors (Michael Irving).

It would take some serious balls for ABC to fire Karina when every season they're cashing in on the playboy gravy train. If they were going to fire her they should have done it after she slept with Mario Lopez... yech.

Getting to know your DWTS Cast: Melisa Joan Hart

Thanks Jimmy, you totally saved me from having to write anything today.

Getting to know your DWTS cast; Michael Irvin

"Whoooo, that's a stabbin'"
Michael Irvin is probably one of the most accomplished athletes to ever appear on Dancing With The Stars. Arguably the most dominant wide receiver of his era, Irvin won a national championship with the University of Miami, 3 Super Bowls with the Dallas Cowboys and was recently inducted into the NFL hall of fame.

Oh yeah he also once stabbed a teammate in the neck with a pair of scissors. He's also been arrested 3 different times, each time he was found with drugs (coke or weed) on him. This guy couldn't even do charity right.

Michael financed a Cowboys charity basketball team called the Hoopsters that had its own private plane, which was mostly used to hold airborne orgies, with Irvin dictating who should be f-ing who. “There was nothing Mike couldn’t think of,” said his assistant. “He had quite the imagination.”

Irvin also charged huge personal appearance fees for the Hoopsters to show up at events. In one case, he charged the Little Dribblers of Fairfield Texas $5,600 to appear, then RAISED the fee, then failed to show up and refused to refund the original money after the organizer balked at paying the increased charge. Irvin also slugged a volunteer ref during one of the team’s games.

Thanks you ABC/Disney you've finally given me someone to root for more horrible than Tucker Carlson.

6 reasons Dancing is better than Singing

It's no big secret that I watch a lot of bad tv, so if anyone has become an expert on all things Seacrest it's this guy (you can't tell but I'm pointing at myself with my thumbs). Now a couple weeks ago Idol really flexed it's muscle by annihilating Dancing with the Stars results show's ratings. In an effort to help right a wrong that I'm sure only I see, here's my top 6 reasons why Dancing with the Stars is better than American Idol.

6. The results show is more entertaining

This is a no brainer. Both shows take a criminally long time to tell you which contestants have been eliminated each week and neither one is a must watch. However, the difference between Idol and Dancing is that Dancing actually tries to put together an entertaining show. There's comedy bits, singing, more dancing, and every once in a while more Kenny Mayne, which is never a bad thing. Idol on the other hand has those stupid group numbers where all the contestants prance around a ford focus singing some song from the 60s. Or worse than that, some sort of vanity re-cap where they spend 10 minutes breaking down how last nights patented awkward exchange between Seacrest and Simon was hilarious.

5. The host is less annoying

Considering the amount of Time Ryan Seacrest has to fill, I think he does a pretty good job. The big problem is that he gets caught in these lapses in judgment where he thinks things are funnier or more entertaining than they really are. Last nights "interview" with Lil Rounds daughter is a prime example. Tom Bergeron is saddled with the truly awful Sammantha Harris and he's still able to keep things moving. That right there should earn him an emmy.

4. The Judges are more coherent

Which is a miracle considering Bruno Tonioli is the most flamboyant idiot savant of all time. I actually like the Idol judges for the most part, but they're critiques have devolved into some sort of American idol Mad libs. Randy says everything is "hawt" or that he's not "feeling it tonight, dog". Paula blabbers about something touchy feely and Simon either says you're good or you sound to Karaoke. This season anything they don't like they blame on the song selection. And don't get me started with Kara... not only is she useless but she starts every critique with "..here's the thing" It's driving me insane!

In contrast you take the Dancing with the stars judges. Sure they're as goofy and self centered as any other television judges you'll ever see, but for the most part they actually give criticism intended to help the performers. I can understand when Len says Holly Madison's footwork was to slow. I have no idea what Randy trying to tell me when he thinks Matt Giraud is a bit "pitchy dawg".

3. Washed up stars always trump pimply faced teens

If you want to feel like you really "know" any of the contestants on idol, you have to watch hours and hours of horrible singing in the early episodes. Even then when it comes to the final 12 there's always one or two kids in there that leave you wondering why you've never seen before. However on DWTS you're emotionally invested from day one. Who doesn't know Apollo Ono, Joey Laurence, Clyde Drexler? Or you know that guy from that show you saw once... the one with the hair, Ted McGinley! that's the guy!

2. Idol doesn't really work

What's the last Fantasia Barrino CD you've bought? At least DWTS isn't trying to fool anybody. It's really just an excuse for Steve Guttenberg to get a regular paycheck for a couple months.

1. The winners are better looking

Not to say the winners of Idol are troll dolls, but lets be honest with ourselves for a minute.

Kelly Clarkson vs Kelly Monaco?

Helio vs Ruben?

Ok lets call Carrie underwood and Brooke burke a tie

please, please don't do it for me.

This has to be a joke right? The Ballas Hough Band? Who are the marketing genuises that came up with this one? Did they steal a jonas brother?

Dancing with the Soccer Stars

By "stars" I mean some norwegian soccer player you've probably never heard of. And by "dancing" I mean an astounding display of emberassments. Do your self a favor, skip to the 1:10 mark.