Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Most Embarassing Superheroes Ever

No, this isn't a list of Superheroes that are just embarassing themselves. While there's plenty of those out there, these are the Superheroes that embarass you, the comic book reader.

But Wolverine is awesome and loved by everyone, what could possibly be embarrassing about him? How about magical swords, WWII covert operations, psychic scar tissue, Patch, the awful James Howlett storyline, yakuza girl friends and yeah bone claws. Ever try explaining the bone claws thing to someone who used to read comics in the 80s and is absolutely sure Wolerines claws aren't one of his mutant powers? Trust me it's a shamefull conversation.

Giant Size Man-Thing
This isn't really a shot at poor Man-Thing (who is awesome btw), this could just as easily been Booster Gold, Squirrel Girl, The Thing, Dazzler, Blue Beetle, Matter Eater Lad or anyone of say a hundred heroes with laughable names. What's the phrase, you never get a second chance to make a first impression? Try making that first impression with a copy of Man-Thing in your hands.

Eternity came into existence when the universe was formed (along with Death, Oblivion, and Infinity) and spontaneously assumed the collective consciousness of all living things in the Universe. He is every living thing and every living thing is him; thus he controls everything in all plains of existence with the exception of the Living Tribunal, who maintains the cosmic balance of power. Eternity is the physical incarnation of time, whereas his sister Infinity represents space. Also, if Galactus ever dies or does not exist, the opposite of Eternity, Abrax..... oh God shoot me now.

"Hey who's the hot Asian chick in purple with the glowy hand sword? What do you mean she's Captain Britain's sister. Siege Perilous? no, I've never heard of it, please tell me more" about a conversation sure to impress and inform your friends.

Batman/Captain America
There's nothing inherently embarrassing about Captain America or Batman, both are beloved and pretty well known by your average non-comic reader. The real problem with Cap and Bats is that both of them died a while ago. Even if you can maintain your dignity explaining how Cap was killed by his brainwashed girlfriend and then replaced by his sidekick that has been dead for 40 years, I dare you to explain someone that doesn't read comics the events of Final Crisis. Go ahead, I've got all day.

Bomb Queen/Witchblade/Aphrodite IX/Fathom/Tarot
Really this one goes to any superheroine that fights crime in a thong. As well written as the comic might be (yeah right), I wouldn't leave any issues laying around. Especially when you have a lady friend over to your pad/parents basement.

One More Day
So this one is cheating, One More day is a storyline not an actual character. I don't care it's my list. You didn't have to see the way my wife looked at me when I told her that Spider-Man was about to sell his marriage in a deal with the devil.




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