Friday, August 7, 2009

Fantasy GI Joe Draft Rankings

Lets face it the GI Joe movie sucks, you don't have to have seen it in the theater to know that. It's science and you can't argue with Science. Here's the plus side, No amount of Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans can take away your childhood memories of playing with your GI Joes.

One of the best things about GI Joe figures (especially when compared to Transformers) were how portable they were. Nothing beat heading over to your friends house with a lunch box full of your favorite Joes and having an epic battle. Unless your friend was a huge jerk that didn't want you playing with their toys, you always started the battle by pooling all your toys together on the floor and picking them playground style.

So without further exposition here's your 2009 GI Joe Fantasy Toy Draft rankings.

Snake Eyes - A Ninja with a Uzi? Why not just give kids an Atari made of Pixi sticks. There was no single toy in the 80s as cool as Snake Eyes.

Storm Shadow - If you didn't pick Snake Eyes with the first pick, you picked Storm Shadow. Especially if it was the cooler 2nd generation Storm Shadow that came with a ninja bow.

Roadblock - Roadblock came with a ridiculously huge gun, which made him a real powerhouse on the imaginary battlefield. If you could really sell it, Roadblock alone could take out anything from a Trouble Bubble to a Hiss Tank.

Zartan - Zartan was awesome, He changed color in the sun and came with what looked like a speeder bike from Star Wars. The only problem with Zartan is you were doomed if you tried to use one of his disguises to infiltrate the enemy. 11 year olds are dumb, but they're not that dumb.

Destro - If the choice is Destro or Cobra Commander there's no doubt you're taking Destro. The GI Joe cartoon really drove home the point that CC had no idea what he was doing. Plus Destro has wrist rockets.

Gung-Ho - Grenade Launcher + Huge Chest Tatoo = Awesome. Gung-Ho was one of the earliest characters to have visible biceps, so you know if he ran out of grenades he could always punch out a ton of Cobra Officers.

Flint - Flint just looked cooler than most Joes. I mean who would you rather have leading your troops. Hawk or Duke? No thanks, lets give the guy with the beret a shot.

Stalker - Stalker doesn't get the love he should. He's got all the ninja training of Storm Shadow or Snake Eyes combined with the smooth moves of Billy Dee Williams. Stalker was always a good value pick in the later rounds.

Lady Jaye - Lady Jaye was the girl to pick. Sorry Baroness and Scarlet but Lady Jaye looked like she belonged on a battle field. Plus if you stared at her long enough you swear you saw a bit of cleavage.

Firefly - Firefly was the perfect counter to any friend with one of those ungodly sized playsets, like the GI Joe Space Shuttle or Aircraft Carrier. All you need to do is pull out Firefly and his tool kit backpack and you've rendered your enemies base useless.

Shipwreck - Shipwreck came with a parrot and what looked like a flintlock pistol from days of yore. He was about a thousand times cooler than his maritime counterparts Cutter and Wet Suit.


Lee on August 7, 2009 at 2:22 PM said...

Some notable omissions:

Tunnel Rat ( My personal favorite. He was a sneaky SOB with a sniper rifle that could see in the dark.

Alley Viper ( He had a huge assault rifle and an awesome shield. Methodically hunting through Legotown, kicking in doors and dispensing COBRA justice.

Frag Viper ( This is the only reason that any young man in America knew what Jai Alai was.

Muskrat ( Wakeboard, shotgun, machete? And a bitchin' fashion sense.

Scoop ( Only for the laugh factor. Our battles usually ended with Scoop getting sucked into the intake of the Phantom X19 (

And, my personal favorite for ridiculous weapons alone:
Pathfinder ( A weedwhacker and twin, hip-mounted machine guns? He's less of a GI Joe and more of a Battlemech.



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