Ask A Porn Star: "Best Star Wars Movie"

Turns out when you always go to physical therapy wearing Star Wars t-shirts you eventually get a lot of Star Wars questions. This morning while at PT both my therapist and her assistant asked me what my favorite Star Wars movie was. It's a question I've been thinking about a lot lately, especially since everyone else on the internet seems pretty insistent on determining where The Force Awakens ranks in respect to the rest of the films.

Personally I think it's a bit early to try and come up with any sort of definitive rank, It took me a full 2 years to admit that The Phantom Menace was kinda crappy, but what the hell. I've got nothing else going on today.

1. Return of the Jedi
2. Empire Strikes Back
3. The Force Awakens
4. A New Hope
5. Revenge of the Sith
6. The Phantom Menace
7. Attack of the Clones

Number one and two are pretty interchangeable for me. I really like Empire but I feel the movie sort of loses its way once they get to Cloud City. I put Jedi above it just because I think it's stronger from start to finish. Also I don't hate on the Ewoks. The Ewoks were rad, they're little teddy bears that are perfectly happy with eating humans. That's metal.

Force Awakens and New Hope are sort of interchangeable too. A New Hope gets lots of credit for kicking everything off and building this amazing world but it's a bit clunky in places and some of the acting isn't that great. Awakens was really enjoyable and had better dialogue but it leans on A New Hope heavily, repeating a lot of the same plot points. I have a feeling that it might not hold up as well 10 years from now when we're not as nostalgic for the original cast.

Revenge of the Sith is easily the best of the prequels. It's probably the only one worth watching, as the other two give you a bunch of backstory they could have just spelled out in the opening crawl. It's by no means a bad movie, it has some really great action sequences, but it's the worst of the good ones.

Phantom Menace isn't the worst movie ever but it's not good by any means. The poor dialogue and bad acting really weigh down a plot that really needed the help. I've talked with people that have seen the movie multiple times that still don't understand how Senator Palpatine was using the Droid Army as a prop so he could gather power in the senate.

Attack of the Clones is easily one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I watched it once in the theater and was horrified. I've tried watching it again since then and I can't get through it in a single sitting. It's just so bad.

Anyway, here's some pornstars with their favorite Star Wars movie. Yikes.. is it just me or did we have way better looking porn stars in the 90s?

The Links Awaken

30 Things You Definitely Missed In “The Force Awakens”. Well it's December 30th, I figure if you haven't seen The Force Awakens yet you don't really care about spoilers. JUST IN CASE, here's your warning. Spoilers ahoy in all the following links and some of my pithy comments.

First off, nice try Buzzfeed, unless you went to the movie stoned or were on your phone all the time (I'm pretty sure that's 90% of Buzzfeed's demo) you probably didn't miss all 30 of these. Like the dish on the Millennium Falcon or the Pod Racers in the background. That's just paying attention to the movie. Still, I included this link because of the Ralpf McQuarrie concept art. That stuff is cool.

The 11 Biggest Differences Between the Book and Movie Versions of The Force Awakens. I'm not sure about the new Star Wars books. I bought one a couple months ago and it turned out to be some Young Adult novel disguised as a Star Wars book. Everyone is dreamy and has smooth chests, I think one of the Imperial Officers was a werewolf too. It wasn't that bad for what it was but it sort of turned me off on diving into this Expanded Universe 2.0.

Some Thoughts On ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’. I didn't really read any reviews on Episode VII. I heard they were positive but even bad reviews weren't going to stop me from seeing it. Vince from Film Drunk has a great point here in his non-review: "It’s not the kind of movie that feels like it needs a review. Reviewing The Force Awakens is sort of like reviewing a ride at Disneyland. “I liked the part where I went ‘WHOOAAAA’ but not the part where I went ‘awwwww!’ It was a little slow in the middle, before we got splashed with the water and it took our picture."

That's totally on point isn't it?

26 Unanswered Questions of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’: We Have the Answers. One of the biggest questions the internet seems to be obsessed with post Episode VII is "who are Rey's parents?" I don't know, I actually think obsessing over who Rey's parents are sort of points out a HUGE flaw in the Star Wars universe. Everyone has to be related to someone else. It was such a big obstacle that George Lucas himself couldn't just have Anakin Skywalker be some dude who happens to be good at the force, he had to be a Christlike figure, virgin birth and all. It's stupid. No one watches Michael Jordan play and thinks "Man if he's this good his parents must have been amazing".

Personally I'm WAY more interested in who Snoke is. He's old, he knows the force, the books imply that he's been with the Empire behind the scenes for a while. Is he a sith? Is he something else? The original Expanded Universe had plenty of room for force users that weren't Jedi or Sith. OR is he a character we already know. I'm pretty sure we can rule out Emperor Palpatine but could he be Palpatine's Master, Darth Sidious? It's heavily implied that Palpatine killed Sidious nut maybe he just thought he killed him. I mean at one point Obi Wan thought he had killed Anakin, look how that turned out.

Anyway, I want to know more about Snoke. JJ Abrams better not screw us out of a reveal.

Bumblebee Crumblysprinkles As Dr. Strange

Yesterday, maybe the day before yesterday, Entertainment Weekly released a couple first look photos of Benedict Cumberpatch as Dr. Strange. Looks cool enough. If there's been a single knock against the juggernaut that is the Marvel Movie Universe, it's that every movie follows the same basic formula. I kinda hope they go balls to the wall with Dr. Strange and just make it this weird trippy movie full of psychodelic magic mumbo jumbo.

I know Marvel has had a lot of success with keeping the Marvel Movie Universe realistic but I think audiences are ready for something weird and different. Or maybe they're not. I am, and isn't that really the only important thing?

Merry Christmas

May you get all the milk and cookies your heart desires.

Star Wars RC Star Destroyer - Will It Fly?

Some RC nerds out there with just the right amount of time on their hands and a youtube channel built a 15 foot remote control Star Destroyer out of foam core and lightsaber crystals. It's impressive but will it actually fly?

Yes, it will fly. It will fly hilariously poorly.

Christmas Wish List: Better Health

Every day in December (work schedule permitting) I plan on posting one thing from my official DevilDinosaur Christmas Wish List (patent pending). Why? Because I can.

Quite literally everyone in our little nuclear family is sick right now. Wifey and I both have colds. Logan is recovering from a Flu and Ashley is going on 5 days without pooping. It's FANTASTIC. Hopefully everyone will feel a lot better by the time Santa slides down the chimney with care.

Being sick this time of year blows goats but watching your kids be sick like super blows super goats. My son is like a shell of his former self, sure he's easier to parent when he has zero energy like this but I'd rather have a kid bouncing off the walls than one that can barely get off the couch.

In the long run this isn't the end of the world. Everyone will feel better eventually and it's a good reminder how lucky we are that no one is like really really sick. Welp, I don't really know how to end this on a joke now. Merry New year?

Bullet Bouncing

Defense Links

The 100 Best Comic Book Covers of 2015. My favorite new comic of 2015, Descender could have had about 10 spots on this list. If you're looking for any last minute gifts for a sci-fi fan, I definitely would recommend the recently released Trade Paperback. It collects the first 7 or eight issues and is fantabulous.

‘Stop Crying And Fight Your Father’: ‘Seinfeld’ Writers Explain The True Meaning And Origin Of Festivus. I love the fact that Festivus was a real thing and that the writer who had to experience it was very much ashamed and embarrassed by it. I'll definitely keep him off of my list of people that disappointed me this year.

Listening While Feminist: In Defense of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”. The more I hear Baby, It's Cold Outside the more I wonder how a song that's clearly about date rape became so popular. Ok, maybe it's not specifically about date rape but as Dennis would put it, "it's the implication". Either way, this super old post by Persephone Magazine looks more into the historical context of the song.

It's a very interesting read and a pretty good defense of the song HOWEVER, I think with a lot of things like this, the context of the time is important but over time that context can become irrelevant. What could be considered progressive in the 1930s (some would say even feminist) can easily become warped by a misogynistic culture that to this very day perpetuates the myth that sex is something women don't want and only use to get something from men.

I don't know this is way deeper than I wanted to get into this topic. How about that Star Wars movie? That was pretty great, right?

Trick friends into thinking you have your shit together. "1. Put a bunch of shit in jars."

Christmas Wish List: Good Pro Wrestling

Every day in December (work schedule permitting) I plan on posting one thing from my official DevilDinosaur Christmas Wish List (patent pending). Why? Because I can.

This one's pretty easy and it's something I've wanted to write about for a while but things have been really busy at work and home lately so I haven't found the time. I really wish Monday Night Raw wasn't a dumpster fire. That's not too much to ask for is it? I'm not one of those kids who grew up with the Monday Night Wars that wants everything to be chairs to the face, bra and panty matches and Austin 3:16 clones storming the ring in beer trucks but I really would like a reason, any reason to watch Monday Night Raw. There are so many great wrestlers in the WWE right now but the format of the show over the last few months has pretty much leg dropped me into apathy over the whole thing. At this point even when something "THIS IS AWESOME" happens I simply don't care.

Sure Pro Wrestling is fake and silly but when its done right it's pretty awesome too. Chikara founder Mike Quackenbush (above) explains the appeal probably better than anyone. I don't know man, I wish RAW could just give me a piece of what Quackenbush describes.

I guess things could be worse. NXT is still amazing, so it's not like there's nothing to watch. The only thing about NXT that's depressing is knowing that the WWE still treats it like developmental (which to be fair it is) so when wrestlers do really well they eventually get "promoted" to the wasteland that is the main roster. I guess I should start cheering for my favorites to fail?

That doesn't make any sense.

1-900-HOT-JEDI

Hey kids, ever wanted to masturbate while you're talking with a female version of that guy that did translation for Jaba before C3-PO showed up? Well today is your lucky day.

Yes I know his name is Bib Fortuna...

Christmas Wish List: A New Car

One day in December (work schedule permitting) I plan on posting one thing from my official DevilDinosaur Christmas Wish List That's Not A Wish Anymore Because I Just Bought It (patent pending). Why? Because I can.

This last weekend I bought a new (to me) car. It's a 2005 Mazda 6 Wagon. What can I say? I'm a Wagon guy.

I'm pretty happy with the purchase so far. It's a car I've kind of had my eye on for the last 5 or 6 years. I never thought I would find one with low miles but this last weekend when scanning online ads I saw this one in Tacoma that only had 46,000 miles on it and before you know it I was shaking hands with the sales guy.

The car is in pretty good shape, especially considering it's 10 years old. It could use a once over with the clay bar and some detailing but everything is there and working. The interior is really clean, even though it's been Armored All'd to death. When I first sat in it I almost slid right over to the passenger's seat. It definitely had plenty of zoom zoom in it, it has a 220hp V6. Google told me it goes 0-60 in about 6.5 seconds and I believe it. It's the perfect family car for if you're going to rob a bank I guess.

Anyway, I just really wanted to talk about my new car a bit. Everyone at work has been on my nerves lately so I haven't been able to gush about it IRL. My next post will be about video games or comics or something, I promise.

Star Wars Battlefront: 4k @ 60fps

So if you spend too much time on Reddit you're probably aware of the schism in hardcore gaming, console gamers in one corner and PC MasterRace in the other. I don't really care much about it at all but the PC MasterRace definitely have the prettiest toys as this video of Star Wars Battlefront running 60 frames per second at a 4K resolution can attest.

I'm sure the rig you need to run this costs a few thousand dollars but woowee, my kids didn't need to go to college anyway.

New X-Men: Apocalypse Trailer

Hey lookie here, it's a new X-Men: Apocalypse Trailer. It's better than the last one, not that the last one was any great hill of beans(?). The biggest difference is they obviously went in and fixed up Apocalypse. Just having him be bluish instead of purplish makes a world of difference. Also I think they made the right decision by not showing him a bunch but having all the characters talk about him. Everybody who's going to see this already knows who most of the X-Men are, you don't need to reintroduce them, you need to give the movie goer a reason for while this movie will be important and worth their time. Building up Apocalypse like this was the way to go.

Compare that to the Batman V Superman trailer where Lex Luthor gets like 15 seconds and he's HYPER ANNOYING IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. To be fair I've like the last 2 X-Men movies way more than the last Superman movie so they don't have to sell me on it quite as hard.

Christmas Wish List: Dr. Homer's Miracle Spine-O-Cylinder

Every day in December (work schedule permitting) I plan on posting one thing from my official DevilDinosaur Christmas Wish List (patent pending). Why? Because I can.

Long story old, I hurt my back. As a matter of fact a couple weeks ago I hurt my back pretty bad. I'm no stranger to weird muscle injuries. Since I turned 30 my body has slowly been turning against me. It probably has something to do with lack of proper exercise and a super crappy diet. Anyway, the point is when I hurt my back a few weeks ago I kind of had a feeling this was different.

Fastforward to tomorrow morning and I have my second appointment with a physical therapist to try and get my squishy spine goo to squeeze back in my spine hole (actual medical term). It sucks. In theory after about 4 weeks of treatment I should be back to normal but I'm an American and I want instant results yesterday. Also while the pain killers and muscle relaxers they gave me were fun for the first week, I'd love to be able to drive my car for more than 15 minutes without wanting to curl up in the fetal position and cry. That's why I think Homer's Miracle Spine-O-Cylinder might be for me. Get on it Santa.

Jessie's Links

Love playing old school games? You need this tiny arcade Machine! You have got to be kidding me, what is this an Arcade machine for ants? How on earth would you use that tiny little controller much less be able to see anything on the tiny little screen. This is a fantastic waste of time.

5 Things I Learned Trying To Get Laid In 'Skyrim'. OMG you guys this is the most fantastic/disturbed thing you'll read today. Basically its story of one lonely schlub that just wants to enact out one weird sex fantasy using Skyrim and his trials and tribulations along the way. Now I've known for a while now that you can MOD in a bunch of nudity into Skyrim but I had no idea some of the depraved nonsense you can add to the game. God bless this guy for being as open and candid about the whole thing as he was.

This is my stone cold lock of the week of the century of links today.

See Rick Springfield's Massive 'Star Wars' Toy Collection. Turns out Rick Springfield is a huge Star Wars nerd and has a HUGE toy collection. Good for him, what's the point of having Jessie's Girl money if you don't spend it all on something rad?

8 bits, 8 players, 8 projectors, and one Nintendo Entertainment System. I have a hard time wrapping my head around what these guys and gals did but it's pretty cool looking. Essentially their playing Mario Bros 3 in the round.

Christmas Wish List: More Time to Blog

Every day in December (work schedule permitting) I plan on posting one thing from my official DevilDinosaur Christmas Wish List (patent pending). Why? Because I can.

Man do I have a time management problem. Specifically my job in lower management doesn't afford me with all the free time I want to blog. But it's not just at work, it's at home too. With everything that I feel like I have to do I rarely find the time to do the things I want to do. On a good weeknight I have about 2 hours to spend with the kids before their off to bed and once they're in bed I'm done. On a real productive night, when I'm full of energy, I'm lucky if I can get a load of laundry done. Then when the weekends roll around I spend most of it catching up on all the stuff I should have been doing during the week.

It's awful, someone invent a day with like 30 hours in it.

GTA: Seattle

I know true life crime isn't in my usual bag of blogging topics, but this is the craziest video. I felt like I just had to share. Over the weekend some guy flashed a couple guns in downtown Seattle, carjacked someone, got chased by the cops, shot at the cops and was eventually killed by the cops. If only he could have made it to the Pay n Spray.

Christmas Wish List: New Camera

Every day in December (work schedule permitting) I plan on posting one thing from my official DevilDinosaur Christmas Wish List (patent pending). Why? Because I can.

Boy do I really want a new camera. My kids are probably as cute as they're ever going to get right now and the amount of quality pictures I have of them is frighteningly low. Basically I'm rolling with a camera phone right now which is ok for pictures under good light but if I have to use the flash everything comes out really washed out or everyone has zombie eyes. And forget about it if the kids are actually moving, which is like 99% of the time.

I'm not 100% sure I want to go the full DSLR route. First of all they're incredibly expensive so lets just stop right there... However Panasonic, Sony and a couple other manufacturers make a few cameras that sort of bridge that point and shoot to DSLR gap. That might be right up my alley. Costco had one for sale the other day for about $300. I don't know, it's still a lot of money to spend when I'm trying to save up for a new car but I feel like if I don't do something quick my kids are going to be teenagers and at least 70% less cute than they are right now.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Teaser

So here's your 40 second teaser (which when you break it down is more like 15 seconds) for the upcoming season of Game of Thrones. Those guys at HBO are sneaky bastards. To keep the John Snow mystery going they went ahead and spliced in a bunch of footage from previous seasons highlighting all main characters that have been killed so we're to believe that John Snow is really dead. He's not though.

Probably

Christmas Wish List: Transformers USB Drive

Every day in December (work schedule permitting) I plan on posting one thing from my official DevilDinosaur Christmas Wish List (patent pending). Why? Because I can.

I fell like there's a good chance that I've posted this transforming Ravage USB Drive before. Don't care, I still don't have one and I still really want one. I've been looking into a way to back up all the family pictures on my PC and this would pretty much do it. Right now I run with dual Hard Drives which is great in case one fails but if there's a fire or my PC gets stolen I'm still pretty much out of luck.

I know I should really get with the times and just store everything on the cloud but can the cloud take down an Autobot?

Batman v Superman: Trailer #2

Well that certainly looks like a movie.

Random Thoughts you might have already seen from me on twitter:

Lex Luthor looks like the worst. When they cast Jessie Eisenberg in the role I was hoping we'd basically get Mark Zuckerberg as Lex Luthor not Jessie Eisenberg doing a manic Gene Hackman impersonation. I get it that they threw in Doomsday so there can be a big knock out punch em up fight scene but Luthor is your big Villain, make him your BIG VILLAIN.

This is going to be the most Marvel Team-Up movie of all time. They tipped their hat too much in the trailer. Almost every issue of Marvel Team-Up had the two good guy fight for the first 5 pages or so before they discovered who the true villain was and teamed up to defeat them. It's like when Iron Man, Captain America and Thor all fight in the first Avengers movie for 2 minutes, except that's the Entire movie. Yay?

Affleck's Batman voice is ridiculous, but honestly it's probably a bit less ridiculous than Bale's was so I guess it's an improvement?

If Batman made a movie about Superman, this would be it.

TORQUE: Bike Duel

This is quite possibly the worst fight sequence ever filmed. I can't imagine that the final product was what the director and the stunt coordinator had envisioned. Except maybe the Mountain Dew and Pepsi ad placements. I'm pretty sure they nailed that part.

I don't even remember this movie. IMDB tells me that Ice Cube was in it but they didn't really cover that in Straight Outta Compton. I'm going to look it up on Netflix tonight. I hurt my back last week so I'm all looped up on painkillers and muscle relaxers, this looks like it could be highly enjoyable in my addled state.

Christmas Wish List: The Knights Chain Mail Satchel

Every day in December (work schedule permitting) I plan on posting one thing from my official DevilDinosaur Christmas Wish List (patent pending). Why? Because I can.

The Knight’s Chain Mail Satchel is pretty much the coolest/dorkiest way to carry around your laptop while saying "It's not a purse" ad nauseam. I have a messenger bag but it's this really flimsy piece of garbage I got for free from one of our suppliers at work. Every year I bring it to ECCC and every year I destroy a bunch of comics trying to get things in or out of the bag. It was designed in such a manner that the structural integrity of the bag hinges on it being closed, so one you open it all bets are off.

Anyway a new messenger bag would be pretty cool and this one has chainmail so it's like +2 cool.

Every Single Star Wars Vehicle From The Original Trilogy Sized to Scale

Lets just make it a Star Wars party today. This video by Scott Park shows all the vehicles from the Original Trilogy to scale. It's pretty cool HOWEVER, the shuttle pod doesn't look right at all. It's the same size if not bigger than a Tie Bomber? How many people does a shuttle pod hold? The Lego one my son has barely holds 3PO and R2. Is Scott Park saying I've been lied to via Lego? I hate it when that happens.

Batman v Superman Sneak Peak

Did you feel the disturbance in the force on Monday night? During an Episode of Gotham DC/Warner Bros graced us with a 30 second sneak peak of Batman v Superman.

Honestly, this looks terrible. Right from the get go you have a group of guys bowing to Superman. In what world is Superman cool with a bunch of dudes bowing to him? I just don't get it, I'm sure there will be a huge audience for this kind of grim take on Supes and Bats beating the crap out of each other but it sure isn't this guy.

Christmas Wish List: A PG Star Wars

Every day in December (work schedule permitting) I plan on posting one thing from my official DevilDinosaur Christmas Wish List (patent pending). Why? Because I can.

This year I would like to start off the Official DevilDinosaur Christmas Wish List with a mini-rant. Why the hell can't Star Wars: Episode VII: The Force Awakens be rated PG? If you follow me at all on twitter you might have already seen this rant, sorry, but if not here's my two basic points:

Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope was rated PG. Yes, I understand there was no PG-13 rating when it came out but I've watched Star Wars a thousand times, just a couple weeks ago I watched it with my 6 year old son. Star Wars is entirely appropriate for a 6 year old. It's exactly what a PG movie should be, there's a couple scary parts hence the "Parental Guidance" but there's nothing too gory or realistic, there's zero bad language, no sex.

Star Wars: Episode VII: The Force Awakens should be just as accessible and appropriate to a 6 year old as the original was. The fact that it isn't is either a failure of the film makers or the MPAA. In my mind, there's really no middle ground. I'm sorry to remind some of my nerds about this but the Star Wars movies should be for kids. That doesn't mean they have to be crappy or hokey or that you can't enjoy them as adults but they're kids movies. KIDS MOVIES.

Just because something is a kids movie doesn't mean it has to be crappy, The Incredibles is a kids movie so is Big Hero Six and both are easily in my top 10 superhero movies of all time list (something I just now decided was a thing). There are plenty of great movies that are family friendly, being PG doesn't mean you have to dumb something down. If anything film makers have to work harder on a PG film because you can't simply titillate the audience with some big explosions, a "holy shit" and a glimpse of boobs. You have to find a way to craft a compelling story with proper pacing, dialogue and compelling characters. You know all that boring stuff real story tellers use.

Long story short, I'm mostly pissed because I don't feel like I can take my son to see this with me on opening night. I'm going to have to actually parent and see the movie first before I take him. I guess there's worse things than seeing the new Star Wars movie twice on opening weekend.