Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The 7 things that will help you survive the Zombie Apocalypse*

Fact. The Zombies are coming. Fact. You're totally unprepared. So to help out your unprepared butt I've compiled a quick list of seven specific items that will help you survive the Zombie Apocalypse. The links will take you to a page where you can buy each one, so if you get eaten it's your own fault.

Stanley FatMax Fubar Xtreme Utility Bar
If you've ever played Half Life you know just how valuable a good crow bar can be. The Fubar Xtreme's brilliant design will help build and reinforce your home base just as easily as it will help you break into things when you're short on supplies. Consider it a Swiss army knife that will smash zombie skulls.

Brunton Helios Stormproof Lighter
At some point during the Zombie Apocalypse you're going to need fire (cooking purifying water, burning zombie corpses). When you do you'll be glad you spent the extra cash on the Brunton Helios. It's completely waterproof and has a flame that can withstand 80mph winds.

Timberland HT2 Watch
This is like the iPhone of watches. It has a digital and analog clock, altimeter, barometer, compass, and thermometer. All enclosed in a stainless steel case with your choice of leather or silicone rubber strap.

Tops Dawn Warrior
You're going to need a knife, and not some flimsy leatherman (although you should still have a leatherman). The Tops Dawn Warrior was designed by a team of experts in law enforcement, martial arts and special forces. I think it'll do in a pinch.

Barbour Classic Motorcycle Jacket
It gets cold at night, and you'll need the heavyweight 8oz waxed cotton to keep you safe from wind, rain and zombie blood. Plus you'll look stylin for when you meet up with some lady survivors.

Pocket Ref by Thomas J Glover
Guess what? There is no google in the Zombie Apocalypse. This reference book is 768 pages of conversions, tables, maps, formulas, and other miscellaneous data that will make you look like the second coming of MacGyver.

Mountain Dew Game Fuel
It's delicious, and now that people are turning into zombies left and right you can't trust the municipal water supply.

* And the 3 Things you'll want to avoid

A Car
Having a car seems like a great idea until you either run out of gas or you turn down a street so infested by zombies you can't run them all over. Soon your awesome ride turns into your awesome coffin.

A Gun
Unless you spend your weekends at the gun range like my dad does, the odds of you hitting a zombie in the head at anykind of safe range are pretty low. All you're going to end up doing is putting a couple rounds in its shoulder and attract more zombies with your wayward gunfire. Plus guns will run out of ammo and there's like a billion zombies after you. You do the math.

A Robot
Any Robot you meet willing to help you during the Zombie Apocalypse is just waiting for the right time to stab you in the back. Remember the 3 Laws don't apply during a Zombie uprising. Cyborgs are still cool though.




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