Christmas Wish List: Sweet Guitar Skills

Every day in December (newborn baby schedule permitting) I plan on posting one thing from my official DevilDinosaur Christmas Wish List (patent pending). Why? Because I can.

I wish I could play the guitar. I'm not looking to be Joe Satriani or anything, I just would like to know how to play guitar.. competently. I don't want to be that guy struggling to get through the first couple bars of Paradise City for 10 excruciating minutes. I also don't want to be the guy with an acoustic that only knows your favorite campfire worship songs. I just want to be able to play Code Monkey for my kids while they're still young enough to think their dad is cool.